


Private Wars

by techManticore



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Pining, Slight Canon Divergence, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 16:48:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9911972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/techManticore/pseuds/techManticore
Summary: It's love at first sight during the Grand Prix Final banquet for Victor. For Yuuri not so much.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Wow okay, this its the longest one-shot I've written in a long time.  
> This is mainly focusing on Victor and his POV and it was kind of hard for me to get in to his head so I hope I did him justice.  
> Thanks for reading!

“Be my coach, Victor!” a very drunk Yuuri Katsuki slurs clutching on to Victor with all his strength. With those words Victor feels a painful tightening feeling growing in his chest and a strange tickling in the back of his throat. Suddenly it seems like he can’t breathe as well as he did ten seconds prior.

Is this what they call love at first sight, Victor thinks, involuntarily pressing his palm against his chest where the tightness has yet to fade. If he didn’t know any better he’d say it was more like a heart attack than love. His eyes are glued to Yuuri as he watches him stumble off towards the other Yuri hell bent on wheedling him into a dance off.

He coughs.

            Victor’s entire flight home is filled with thoughts of Yuuri. His mind keeps going back to the dance they’d shared the previous night. It was nothing short of perfect, despite Yuuri inebriation, and he wants to see Yuuri again. It’s been so long since he’s felt so unguarded and free. And sweet Yuuri’s the cause of it. He thinks seriously about Yuuri’s request to coach him, even if it was drunken nonsense, it could be an excuses to spend more time with Yuuri. A lot more time. And it could be fun to try something different. But he wasn’t sure if he wants to stop skating either. It’s a hard decision.

He coughs again. Ever since the banquet he’s had this incessant tickle in the back of his throat. No matter how much he coughs it won’t go away. Victor sincerely hopes he isn’t getting sick. Nationals are only a little over a month away. He can’t get sick now!

            The cough only got worse as he steps into his apartment. Victor’s coughing so hard he could hardly breathe and his chest aches and burns, as if there’s something lodged in there. Makkachin, who had come to greet Victor at the door, whines nervously as her owner is bent over his knees with the forces of his coughing.

            Soon Victor feels something travel up his throat. It’s solid but soft and Victor hopes that this means he’ll have some relief soon. He continues to cough until the object is falls from his mouth and into his waiting palms. Blinking away the tears that accumulated in the corners of his eyes he sees what appears to be a…flower in his hands. It frightens Victor. The petals are a deep red color, almost like blood. And this flower came from his body? He’s never heard of anything like it. Why? Why is he coughing up flowers all of a sudden? He doesn’t like it at all. He decides to make an appointment with the doctor in the morning. Nip whatever this is in the bud before it gets out of control.

            His doctor is able to squeeze him in for an emergency appointment early in the afternoon the day after he arrives back from Sochi. And for that Victor is grateful. He had coughed up more flowers during the night and wasn’t able to get much sleep.

Victor is nervous as he waits for the doctor to arrive. How can he explain that he’s coughing up flowers? Would the doctor even believe him? Would he even help him then?

His ruminating is halted as the door opens and a doctor with a kind face steps in. Dr. Marinin smiles at Victor and claps him on the shoulder as he sits across from him.

“Victor,” he says fondly, “congratulations on the Grand Prix again. Another gold medal. You make all of Russia so proud.”

Victor returns Dr. Marinin’s smile and thanks him, his nerves calming slightly. He’s been Victor’s doctor since he was fairly young and has been nothing but kind to Victor in all those year.

“Now what seems to be the problem?” Dr. Marinin says, sitting back in his chair. “The receptionist said you sounded quiet concerned on the phone.”

Victor nods and takes a calming breath, “It’s my chest. There’s…it feels tight and I get these really terrible coughing fits. And during the fits I…I cough up flowers.” He says all this looking at his hands folded in his lap. It sounds ridiculous when he says it out loud. He can’t bear to see his doctor’s reaction.

“Hmm, that’s quite unusual yes, but” Dr. Marinin uses a gentle hand to coax Victor into a straighter sitting position, and lifts up his shirt before touching his stethoscope to Victor’s chest after warming it up with his breath, “not completely unheard of.

“Really?” Victor can’t imagine this happening to someone else.

“Oh yes, now give me a good breath as deep as you can.”

Victor did as he’s instructed. It’s not as deep as he could breathe before. Something is absolutely in his chest.

“I believe this is what they call Hanahaki disease. It’s a very very rare disease that causes flowers to grow in your chest cavity. They get into your airway which is why you’re coughing them up. The most farfetched thing however is that the flowers grow because of an unrequited love.

“Unrequited love?” Victor repeats

“Yes, have you…met anyone recently?”

Victor’s mind immediately goes to the Grand Prix final banquet and…Yuuri. As soon as he thought that name Victor’s chest seizes up and he’s thrown into another coughing fit. He vaguely registers Dr. Marinin rubbing his back soothingly. When the fit passes he has two crumpled flowers in his hands which he deposits shakily into the wastepaper basked offered by Dr. Marinin.

“Sorry,” Victor rasps, still out of breath from the coughing. “Is there any way to stop all this? I can’t skate like this. I can hardly breathe.”

“Well,” said Dr. Marinin, “you have a couple of options. The flowers will disintegrate on their own if the other person returns your feelings. The second option is surgery. We can remove the flowers permanently, but as a result your feelings for this person will also disappear. Forever.”

Losing his feelings for Yuuri forever? Victor didn’t want that. Not if there was the slightest chance that Yuuri could love him back one day. But on the other hand he’s not at all up for competition with these flowers growing in his chest. If he didn’t compete how will he see Yuuri again and convince him to love him forever?

Dr. Marinin sees Victor’s struggle.

“Don’t feel like you have to make a decision today. There’s a lot of risk involved I know. Think on it a couple of days and let—“

“I’m not going through with the surgery,” Victor interrupts, not even listening to the doctor. “I don’t want to lose these feelings. I want to see how this pans out.”

Dr. Marinin shakes his head vigorously. “Listen to me Victor. This could kill you. If your feelings go unrequited for too long the flowers will get out of control. They’ll block your airway, constrict your lungs and your heart and you’ll suffocate!”

Victor brings his fingers to the base of his throat a grim smile on his lips and impulsive thoughts in his head. “I understand it’s dangerous, but I’ve made my decision. I don’t care if I die. I won’t give up on Yuuri.”

Despite what Victor told Dr. Marinin about the Hanahaki hindering his skating performance, he throws himself into practices. He’s got to be in his top form since it seems like the only way Victor will see Yuuri again is at a competition. It’s hard, but he knew it would be hard. The flowers make it difficult to get a good lungful of air and he always feels like he’s on the verge of coughing. The pain isn’t purely physical either. Victor doesn’t let himself dwell on the reason why he has Hanahaki in the first place. And how it probably has something to do with why he hasn’t heard from Yuuri since the banquet. It’s been weeks and not one little peep. How could that night mean so little to him when it meant so much to Victor? When he does think about it, late at night when he can’t sleep, he’s overcome with a crippling loneliness that leaves tears dripping into his pillow.  He tries not to let on how much he’s struggling. He hasn’t told Yakov or any of his rinkmates about the Hanahaki. They probably wouldn’t believe him even if he did tell them. So he suffers alone.

All his hard work pays off. He places well in both the National and the European championships, earning him a place in the World championship. There hopefully he’ll meet up with Yuuri after so many weeks of nothing.

Victor’s hope is quickly snuffed out as he learns soon after he arrives at the rink that Yuuri is not going to be competing.  His heart plummets into his stomach so quickly he feels like vomiting. What now? Is he going to have to wait until the Grand Prix series start up again to meet him? That’s what October, November or even December maybe if they’re not assigned to the same competitions! That’s even if he makes it to the Grand Prix in the first place. He hears from a couple of the other skaters that Yuuri didn’t even make the podium at the Japanese nationals! One of them says that Yuuri’s even been talking about retiring. Apparently he separated from his coach and moved back home. No no no! He asked Victor to be his coach why would he retire now?  But then maybe it really all was just drunken nonsense and he didn’t really mean it.  Victor shakes his head. No. He can’t afford to think like that. He has to believe in Yuuri and have faith that they’ll meet again. He might go mad otherwise.

It’s not until a few months later that Victor’s faith pays off. He he’s been waiting to watch this video everyone at the rink has been raving about all day. A video no one would give him the details of when he asks about it.

Once he’s alone in his apartment with Makkachin curled around his legs the video’s easy enough to find. He’s been linked to it about a hundred times over every possible form of social media. Victor’s anxious to see what exactly this video’s about. His fingers curl into Makkachin’s fur as he clicks on a one of the links from twitter.

Victor’s heart jolts as soon as he sees the title “Katsuki Yuuri attempts to skate Victor’s FS Program” The thumbnail is Yuuri in the starting pose for _Stammi Vicino,_ and Victor can’t breathe. His throat tickles and he coughs until tears fill his eyes and flowers fill his hands. When he’s done he shakily clicks the play button on the video and watches.

There’s no music but there doesn’t need to be any. Victor can hear it all in his mind clear as day. His heart throbs painfully in his chest. Is this why you haven’t said anything Yuuri, he thinks. Are you calling out to me as I have been to you since the banquet? Is this your way of saying you do want me to be you coach? Oh Yuuri of course I accept. He thinks his ribs might break, his heart is pounding so hard as hope surges throughout his entire body.

Before the video’s even over he’s looking up Yuuri’s family’s inn and booking a flight to Japan.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri’s reaction to Victor announcing that he is going to coach him is…not exactly what Victor is expecting. It’s not like Victor thought that Yuuri would run up to him with open arms and cry that he’s so happy that Victor understood his message and that he was sorry for not talking to Victor in so long and that he was just shy and reevaluating his feeling and that he realizes now that he truly loves Victor. But Victor had hoped that Yuuri would show more joy and less…horrified shock? He knows that Yuuri doesn’t love him, but he doesn’t think that Yuuri actually dislikes him. He doesn’t right? He’s just surprised that Victor showed up so suddenly right? He’ll come around right? He was the one who wanted Victor to coach him. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to meet Yuuri while he was completely naked.

Luckily Yuuri seems much more open to the idea of being coached by him once Victor wakes up from his nap after dinner, though he doesn’t like it when Victor touches him and he won’t let Victor sleep in his room with him. Baby steps, he thinks cuddling up to Makkachin later that night. He allows a couple of tears to leak down his cheek and into Makkachin’s fur, loneliness seizing up in his chest. Another coughing fit is coming on.

Victor finds it difficult to be around Yuuri. His presence seems to aggravate the flowers in his chest, triggering many more coughing fits than he had back in Russia. It’s worse at night. Sometimes he’s lucky to get four hours of sleep the coughing’s so bad. The little trashcan by his bed is always overflowing with flowers and he has to be careful that neither Yuuri nor his family see them lest they question him about. So he disposes of them himself early in the morning before the rest of the inn is awake to avoid them. It’s difficult but it’s worth it. He’d do anything to spend as much time as possible with Yuuri even if he has to cough up a lungful of flowers every night.

After the Hasetsu competition and Yurio leaving none the wiser about Victor’s condition. Victor starts working hard alongside Yuuri to perfect his programs for the upcoming regional competition. And as Yuuri continues to improve Victor’s Hanahaki only gets worse. His chest almost constantly hurts now and it’s difficult for him to keep up with Yuuri sometimes during practice. He has to stop to catch his breath quite often.

The only time Yuuri says something is when Victor’s instructions are interrupted by a sudden and nasty fit leaving Victor hunched over, supporting himself on the barrier for several minutes as he coughs up a few large flowers. Victor tries to hide the flowers when he sees Yuuri start to rush over but he’s not quite quick enough.

“Are you okay?” Yuuri asks. He reaches out like he wants to touch Victor, but doesn’t, just lets his eyes travel frantically over his coach.

Victor straightens and plasters on a smile, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

Yuuri’s sharp eye doesn’t miss the flash of red and immediately thinks the worst.

“What’s that?” he nods to Victor’s concealed hand. “That’s not…blood is it?”

Victor waves him off. “No no of course not. There’s no need to worry Yuuri, I promise. It’s a handkerchief.” Victor tried not to visibly wince at the lame excuse. I just had a little tickle is all. Now let’s try Eros from the beginning again.”

“Sounded like a pretty bad tickle to me,” Yuuri mumbles before skating off to the middle of the ice.

Victor breathes a sigh of relief as he starts the music, grateful that Yuuri didn’t question him. He’s not sure how he would explain all this to Yuuri if he found out.

Despite Yuuri obedience, Victor notices that Yuuri keeps a closer eye on him during practice and even asks to cut practice a little bit short.

“So we both can get some rest tonight,” he claims, but he can’t look Victor in the eye.

He’s worried Victor realizes. He’s worried about me.

Warmth blossoms in Victor’s chest, as he agrees that they both could do with some rest. He slings an arm around Yuuri and walks him to the locker room, ignoring the push of the flowers at the back of his throat.

* * *

 

 

The night after Yuuri’s press conference is one of Victor’s worst. Every time he tries to lay down and sleep flowers are filling his mouth. He barely has time in between to catch his breath. And his chest – his chest feels like it’s on fire.

This is it, he thinks, this is where I die.

He doesn’t notice when his door slides open and someone walks in, much too preoccupied by the seemingly never ending flowers leaving his mouth. Victor starts when a warm hand lays across his back, but he can’t manage even to look back to see who’s behind him. His stupid hopeful heart beats. Is it Yuuri? What time is it? He said he wouldn’t be back until late. The hand starts to rub small soothing circles on the small of his back and against the coughing Victor can hear a soft voice murmuring to him. Finally he gets control over the flowers, his breathing heavy, his body shaking and his eyes teary, he turns around to see not Yuuri, but his mother.

“Katsuki-san,” Victor rasps his throat absolutely raw. “I’m sorry,” he says it in Japanese. One of the handful of words he feels most comfortable with. Victor’s not sure why he’s apologizing. For waking her up? For loving her son?

Hiroko smiles sadly at him her hand going from his back to his face, her eyes are full of sympathy. And for some reason that gesture breaks Victor. His eyes, still welled with tears from his coughing fit spill over cascading down his cheeks and chin and neck. He’s still shaking. He’s still panting. Even though there are no more flowers trying to work their way out he still can’t seem to catch his breath.

“Oh, you poor boy,” she whispers, embracing Victor and letting him lean on her shoulder.

“It hurts, he sobs, “it hurts so much.”

“I know,” Hiroko runs a motherly hand through his hair, it’s damp with sweat. “Have you told him?”

Of course she knows what all this means. Of course she knows its Yuuri. The flowers feel heavy in his lap.

“I can’t. How can I tell him anything when he doesn’t feel the same?” Victor tries to clear his throat. It hurts to talk. “I don’t want to make him feel guilty or obligated. I don’t want him to try to force himself to love me. That would be worse than him not loving me at all.”

Hiroko hums, continuing to pet Victor’s hair. “I think that some part of Yuuri truly loves you, but he’s scared. He’s kind of dense in that way. He won’t really let himself believe something unless it’s laid out plainly in front of him.”

Victor thinks of all the times he’s flirted and hugged Yuuri. He is being plain! Isn’t he?

“But,” Hiroko continues, “Sometimes it takes even more than that to for him to get the picture. I think you should tell him how your feel. Don’t tell him about the Hanahaki if you don’t want to, but at least be open with your feelings.”

Victor considers he words. Hope tries to take over his heart at the thought of Yuuri’s love for him being locked away by self-doubt and anxiety. It’s there he just needs to find it. But he fights it. If Hiroko is somehow wrong and Yuuri has no romantic feelings for Victor once so ever, then the disappointment just might kill him – literally.

“I’ll try,” Victor says eventually.

 

The next morning at the rink Yuuri speaks up as he finishes preparing for practice.

“I heard you coughing last night,” he’s not looking at Victor, his eyes are glued to his skates. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Victor blinks, surprised. “I didn’t think you were home…” he says instead of answering.

“I was just coming in when I saw mom go into your room and I heard you. I didn’t want to be a bother, so I left you alone. You still haven’t answered my question. Are you sick?”

Victor smiles and he thinks it’s pretty convincing. “I promise I’m fine.”

Yuuri meets Victor eyes, but his gaze is suspicious. He doesn’t quite believe Victor.

“It sounded really bad. Almost like you were dying,” Yuuri says then turns away from Victor again. “You’re scaring me, Victor.” His voice is tiny.

Victor’s heart clenches but he doesn’t let it show on his face. Instead he brushes Yuuri’s worries away. “I told you before, it’s just a little cough. Your mother gave me something wonderful for it and I feel much better now. Promise.”

Yuuri makes a small sound, like he’s not convinced. He gives Victor a little peek.

“You’d tell me right,” His voice still sounds sad. “If something was actually wrong with you?”

Victor says that of course he would, and despite not liking to make Yuuri worry, he concern makes something loosen in his chest and it feels lighter than it has in months.

 

* * *

 

Victor has another bad night, right before they leave for the Cup of China. This time it’s not Hiroko who knocks on his door, it Yuuri.

Victor gasps when Yuuri calls out to him during a lull in the coughing.

“Don’t come in,” he croaks. Yuuri can’t see the flowers.

“There’s obviously something wrong with you!” Yuuri argues. “You’ve been coughing like this for months. You have to see a doctor.”

Victor is about to answer but is interrupted by more flowers in his airway. The metallic tang of blood fills his mouth along with the flowers. He’s coughing so hard his throat is bleeding. The flowers falling into his lap now are all streaked with blood.

“Victor please,” Yuuri says, his voice cracking. If he’s not already crying, he dangerously close. “You’re really sick, I think. So please let’s get you check out.”

“You know we can’t do that, Yuuri.” Victor says when the flowers stop long enough for him to talk. “We’re leaving for China in the morning, there’s no time for a doctor. Besides I’ve already been to one.”

Yuuri speaks again after a lengthy pause.

“Are you dying? Please tell me the truth.”

Victor hesitates a moment before telling Yuuri that he’s not. He’s never really taken what his doctor said about Hanahaki too seriously but now that it’s escalated to this he’s not so sure about being able to survive the disease. Perhaps in the next few days it’ll be too much to handle and he’ll be choked to death by the flowers invading his chest.

A quiet murmur from Yuuri on the other side of the door pull Victor from his morbid thoughts. It’s too soft for Victor to hear and oh Yuuri’s certainly crying now. Victor’s heart cracks. He gets up from the bed, flowers cascading from his lap as he moves, and presses his ear to the door. Victor asks Yuuri to repeat himself.

“I said,” his voice broken by tears, “that I wouldn’t know what to do if you died. I need you. A-as my coach,” Yuuri tacks on quickly at the end.

Victor sighs and leans more heavily against the door. “You don’t need me,” he whispers.

Victor jumps when the door jostles with the force of Yuuri’s fits.

“I do!” he practically shouts, “I need you so much it scares me!”

“Yuuri,” Victor breathes, his heart stuttering at Yuuri’s confession.

But Yuuri doesn’t give him time to say anything more.

“Let’s go to bed. If you won’t see a doctor we both better get some rest.”

Victor nods even though Yuuri can’t see him.

“Goodnight Yuuri.”

“Goodnight Victor.”

Victor stays at the door until he hears Yuuri walk away.

 

* * *

 

It’s hard for Victor to recall how things got to this point. Yuuri was fine until they left the hotel to go to the rink for Yuuri’s free skate. Since he’s in first place currently he’ll perform last, and that couldn’t be worse for Yuuri’s nerves. Victor watches him from afar at first to see if Yuuri’s able to work through it himself, it’s killing him to see Yuuri so worked up, especially since he performed so well in his short program. Where did all that confidence go Yuuri?

Victor steps in once Yuuri is seconds away from an actual panic attack, dragging him away to a quieter place to wait his turn. It doesn’t help much. Yuuri can still hear the cheering crowd in the stands and it’s just setting him off more. So Victor claps his hands over Yuuri’s ears hoping to block out any sound, ignoring the burn in his chest.

“Don’t listen,” Victor grows, he doesn’t mean to sound so harsh. He just doesn’t understand why Yuuri is suddenly on the edge of a meltdown.

Victor isn’t sure what to say to Yuuri to make him feel better. He’s supposed to be his coach right? He’s should be a source of inspiration and motivation for Yuuri during times like this. So Victor says the most motivating thing he can think of.

“If you fail today and miss the podium. I’ll take responsibility and step down as your coach.”

But then Yuuri’s crying. Victor’s made him cry twice in as many days. The ache in his chest increases. If he can’t handle Yuuri panicking he most certainly can’t handle him crying.

He tries to brush it off as a joke. Reassure Yuuri that he won’t actually leave him. Yuuri says he knows that and Victor doesn’t know what to say.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Yuuri cries. “Just have more faith than I do that I’ll win. Just stay close to me!”

Victor is about to reply when a cough tears through his chest and flowers erupt into his mouth. No! Not here! Not now! He tries to swallow the flowers back down, because Yuuri can’t see, but as usual the flowers are merciless.

He quickly turns away from Yuuri to hide as much as possible, but he knows it’s useless. Yuuri definitely saw.

“Victor?”

Victor stiffens when he feels Yuuri come up behind him and lay a hand on his back. He’s still coughing violently.

Yuuri reaches down and picks up a flower, dotted with blood, fresh from Victor’s mouth.

“Victor, this whole time you’ve had…Hanahaki? That’s why you’ve been coughing?

Victor nods, not trusting himself to speak. He’s still not looking at Yuuri. He hears Yuuri take a breath, like he wants to ask something else, but before he gets a chance his name is being called. It’s his turn to take the ice.

“Let’s go get that gold medal, okay?” Victor says finally turning around and leading Yuuri up the stairs.

Yuuri doesn’t say anything at the barrier, just gives Victor a quick pat on the head before skating out to his starting position.

Then the music starts and Victor can’t take his eyes off of Yuuri. He’s absolutely beautiful. He’s more relaxed than Victor’s seen him in weeks and it shows in his skating. Yuuri seems to be concentrating really hard and he’s putting a lot of emotion into his performance, more so than usual. It’s like he’s skating out his love. But for who? Surely not Victor. Now he’s preparing for the final jump. They planned for a quad toe loop but the way Yuuri is leading into it looks funny it’s not a toe loop, but a…flip? Victor bites his lip. Did Yuuri just do a quad flip? He touched the ice so it wasn’t perfect but he definitely just did a quad flip. Yuuri’s going into the final pose and he’s gesturing toward…Victor. Oh. OH. And then Victor is jogging toward the kiss and cry and Yuuri’s smiling at him asking if he did well and all Victor can do is nod. The ache in his chest that’s been omnipresent for months disappearing as suddenly as it had come.

And then Victor is launching himself across the ice, arms outstretched toward Yuuri. Yuuri has his arms out too, more than ready to receive a hug. But as Victor wraps his arms around Yuuri, one coming around his back and the other cradling his head, he leans in slightly and presses their lips together. He didn’t even notice when they hit the ice. He stop looking at Yuuri, drinking in expression that can only be described as pure unguarded adoration. Yuuri’s never looked at him like that before and now Victor can’t get enough. Finally it feels like he can breathe.

“I wanted to surprise you more than you surprised me, this is all I could think of.”

Yuuri give a little laugh “Oh really? Well it worked.”

They’re quickly ushered off the ice into the kiss and cry for Yuuri to hear his scores. Not good enough for gold but he does place second, but Victor can’t seem to mind too much.

 

“They’re really gone? The flowers,” Yuuri says. It the first thing he’s said since leaving the rink.

They’re both lying on Victor’s bed under the covers. Ready for some much needed sleep after such an emotional day.

Victor’s cuddled up to Yuuri’s back, both arms around him in a tight hold and his chin cradled in Yuuri’s shoulder. His hands are clasped with Yuuri’s around Yuuri’s middle.

“Yeah,” Victor murmurs into Yuuri’s shirt.

“I’m the one you loved?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri say almost too softly.

“Sorry for what?”

Yuuri takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry I made you suffer so long with Hanahaki while I was still trying to figure out my feelings.” He swallows and tightens his grip on Victor’s hands. “I-I should have… If I’d only known—”

Yuuri’s words stop when Victor presses a kiss to the bottom of his jaw.

“Don’t worry, Yura. I don’t blame you, not in the slightest,” he says running his nose along Yuuri’s neck. “I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to pressure you. If you loved me I wanted you to figure that out completely on your own. No matter how long it took. If you found your feelings weren’t romantic that’d be okay too.”

“But don’t—can’t Hanahaki…kill you if your love remains unrequited?” Yuuri asks and after Victor hums in confirmation he continues. “Why didn’t you get the surgery then? How could you have been so sure that I’d…?”

Victor kisses Yuuri’s neck and then his shoulder. “I wasn’t sure exactly, but I didn’t want the surgery, because if there was even a slight chance that you could love me I didn’t want to lose my feelings for you. Does that make sense?”

Yuuri laughs a little, sounding a little choked. “No, not really…but I get it. I probably would have done the same.”

“Oh Yuuri,” Victor breaths, “trust me when I says there wouldn’t have been anytime for you to develop Hanahaki.”

Yuuri shakes his head and huffs out a “Victor.” But Victor can see that he’s smiling and maybe crying a little.

“But I do have one question,” Victor says after a moment.

“Hmm?”

“Why did you skate like that for me if you didn’t know who I was pining for?”

“Well,” A light blush grows along Yuuri’s cheeks and neck, “I didn’t realize it until I started skating but I realized that I wanted you to love me like that but if it wasn’t like that, if you were waiting for someone else I just wanted to show you that someone…that I loved you even just a little.

And Victor’s smiling and maybe crying too, snuggling down further into the bed and into Yuuri. Now that it doesn’t hurt anymore he can’t get enough of him. And feeling lighter than he’s felt in months.

  

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://dinogyro.tumblr.com)   
>  [twitter](twitter.com/strawberryeggs_)


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